Blog Post

20 December 2017

5 Ways to Spot Gaslighting in a Marriage or Relationship

While you may not be familiar with the term gaslighting, you might be familiar with the description and the toll it can cause on a relationship. Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity manipulates another person in the hopes of acquiring power of them. Often times this manipulation leads to the victim questioning their own reality, and in doing so, not questioning the motives and actions of the person gaslighting them. This post will provide you with an overview of what gaslighting is, and how to detect it in your marriage/relationship, or the marriage/relationship of someone you know.

How Does Gaslighting Work?

Gaslighting is a very effective tactic that causes tremendous pain and suffering to the victims. Unfortunately, it can also take hold easier than you might think. Anyone can be the victim of gaslighting. It can occur in a parent-child relationship, between siblings, in a romantic relationship and in a marriage. On a larger scale, it can occur between an employer and subordinates, social or religious leaders and their followers and heads of government and their constituents.  and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders.

The effects of gaslighting are slow and gradual. Gaslighting is conducted slowly so the victim doesn’t realize that they’re are being manipulated. Isolated acts of manipulation are often dismissed by the victim as a random event if done over a longer period of time. Whereas if the events took place over a shorter period of time, the victim might notice and connect the events to the greater overall ploy.  The term gaslighting is dated back to the 1944 film Gaslight starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman where a young woman is manipulated into believing that she is imagining events by her husband. Among the events he makes he believe to be imaginary, are an old mansions gas lights being lit in the evenings. The film was quite popular and the term was adapted by the clinical psychiatry community shortly after.

The Warning Signs of Gaslighting

The following are traits and behaviors that suggest that someone is trying to gaslight another person, as well as some examples of what it might look like in a relationship:

  1. White Lies.

If someone is telling you a white lie that you know to be false, they might be gaslighting you. Now not all lies are created equal. For gaslighting to be at play, this must be a white lie. A blatantly untrue statement as opposed to a confused inaccuracy. For example, if you were at the Louvre looking at the Mona Lisa, and your wife told you that she thinks the famous piece was painted by Donatello, instead of Leonardo Da Vinci, this would be a lie that you know to be untrue, but simply your wife is mistaken. However, if your wife told you that the Mona Lisa is your favorite painting, and when you say no The Starry Night is, and your wife insists that you have told her that the Mona Lisa is your favorite painting dozens of times before — that would be a white lie, and an example of gaslighting. Her adamance that what you believe to be a lie is actually true will gradually weaken your reality.

  1. Denial in The Face of Proof.

This sign of gaslighting occurs when someone is insisting that they’re not lying, even if you have proof that they are. They do this to disrupt your perception of truth, and to get you to doubt the proof that you have. Say you told your husband to take at the trash on his way to work. He hears you say it and takes off for work. When you come home that night you see the trash not taken out. So, you take the trash out yourself. A few hours later when he arrives home you ask him why he didn’t take out the trash, and he tells you that he did. You counter saying no, that you took at the trash, and he insists that it was him that took out the trash, that instead it’s you that are confused.

  1. Manipulate Your Feelings Towards People or Things Against You.

A gaslighter will try and twist the way your feel about people or things you love. By doing this, they eliminate competition for your love and create a higher level of dependability upon them. An example might be your parents. If your boyfriend knows that you’re very close with your parents, and he tries to disrupt that relationship, it could be gaslighting. He might try and poison the way you feel about them by creating lies. Maybe he’ll say that your mother told him something upsetting. When you question her about why she’d say that to him, and she tells you she didn’t, your boyfriend will use that denial as further proof that your mother is a liar. Convincing their victim that everyone is a liar, not them, is a very common move by a gaslighter. By doing this they’re attacking your identity and being.

  1. They wear you down over time.

This sign is the formula for gaslighting and what makes it so destructive. Because it is conducted slowly and the effects gradually affect the victims conscience and perception of reality, a victim will wear down over time. An analogy would be the Sorites Paradox. If you remove a single grain of sand from a heap of sand, it is still a heap and you won’t notice the missing grain. However, if you keep doing this over time, eventually there will be no sand and the heap is no longer a heap.

  1. Their Actions do not Match Their Words.

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, it’s important to examine their actions as opposed to what they’re telling you. The gaslighting will only work if you allow their words to have more power than their actions. They are simply using their words to distract you from their actions. This is very common when gaslighting occurs with political leaders. If a President or elected officials tells those that elected them that they’ll do one thing, and then they end up passing legislation or voting against that very thing, then the constituents are being gaslit.

Family Psychiatry of North Jersey

If any of these five signs sound familiar to your marriage, relationship, or the relationship or marriage of someone you know, you need to act upon it. Once the gaslighting fully takes hold a victim is in for a long road to recovery as they’ll need to completely rewire the way they perceive reality. If you don’t know how to act, talking to a mental health professional is an excellent first step. If you’re in the North Jersey and are in need of assistance, contact Family Psychiatry of North Jersey today.